tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47635091557249170962024-02-20T11:00:20.755-08:00Sarah's StuffAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-14269407529145808852014-07-25T23:31:00.001-07:002014-07-25T23:31:17.725-07:00Latest on cult and evil member who has taken over from AnneCheck out @drsarahmoore_dr's Tweet: https://twitter.com/drsarahmoore_dr/status/492587867042902016Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-63297749685782823682014-06-13T22:57:00.001-07:002014-06-13T22:57:34.801-07:00More Ahb stuff that seems to have gone no wherehttp://www.theage.com.au/articles/2008/04/27/1209234656147.html?page=2Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-66603634156906684122014-04-29T00:55:00.001-07:002014-04-29T00:55:56.386-07:00Still lots of unanswered questions on how far ahbs influence extendshttp://www.theage.com.au/articles/2008/04/27/1209234656147.htmlAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-10699396563219471952014-04-06T00:25:00.001-07:002014-04-06T00:26:23.093-07:00The end of the Family? Anne Hamilton Byrne is going to die soon<div dir="ltr">
Anne Hamilton-Byrne is close now to a fate she fears more than most, and rightly so, for in her universe she knows she will pay the piper for what she did in his name. <br />
The years of sucking the life out of others (as well as their money) to sustain herself are well over. Vampires dissolve once deprived of their primary food source and - in her case - dementia and isolation took away from delusion it's capacity for action several years ago now, and in turn she too crumbled into a shell. <br />
In her heyday - before the dissolvement of the majority of her cult after the public removal of us children in 1987 and the ensuing consequences of that - she had a huge source of power, money, prestige and influence in those she controlled so absolutely, and along with it an equally huge contempt for those that she abused and devoured. <br />
They may be shocked - some of the last disciples that still hang round hoping for reward in terms of enlightenment or fulfillment of some kind from her and refusing to see what a swathe of suffering lies in her wake even when it has happened to themselves and their families - at how often she openly expressed her contempt for them, particularly the ones that gave her most of themselves, their children and their money. For they wanted something back off her in exchange for their loyalty - the love she promised so often, spiritual advancement, recognition as good disciples, fulfillment of some hole in their heart that only became greater as she wielded her power over them- never realising that taking and only taking was her nature and she was incapable of empathy or compassion and the perception of need in others and how to promise to fulfill it was one of her main strengths as a guru figure. What they don't realise was that was all a sham and what she was actually looking for was something very few ever could give her, particularly if they were needy themselves. What they saw as her love was at most instead a distant objectified seduction in pursuit of her own needs and when they were totally devoured they were tossed away as useless to her - the women more callously than the men as I shall explain later. <br />
But always also in her - and this became evident to me from her behavior in the years after she started losing those that refused to continue in the role of victim believer or simply died off or ran away when they could- was a longing for the love that was missing from her life and had been since she was born. Sycophantic admirers never filled that void within. Any of the women around her certainly didn't. Some of the men (Bill being the most obvious example but there were a number more all of whom are either dead or out of the cult) came close for her but in her heart she knew that it was because of her power and influence and not the romantic conception tied into her delusional representations of her father's life.<br />
The closest she ever came to in receiving truly unconditional love was with us children, and in that I too have understood how the production of us was another attempt to get the love and life she longed for as a child again - an attempt that almost foundered completely due to her cruelty and almost complete incapability of being able to emphasise with others unless they were objects within her world. What we represented and how that played out later in my relationship with her I will turn to later...<br />
Talking of cult members and why some few remain and why largely those that have any vitality left are men leads onto another interesting observation of Anne's world in the days before her dementia. It is interesting that it is said (according to recent media reports) that the power struggle with what is to be made of her future legacy is between two men, both of whom have been relatively sheltered from the more profound effects of her abuse and one of whom is has a nasty selfish personality as well as connections with money and power (the only people who won out anything from Anne had to match her in sociopathy, but mostly they have left in bad blood with her (Cynthia Chan/Rand comes to mind -thank goodness she didn't stay but fought to get her money back as Michael with all his faults is not as cold as her. And then there is Natasha - pyschotic and also sociopathic, who also left in bad faith but you can bet we will hear from her after Anne dies as she circles with the other vultures to pick over what can be found of Anne's remaining money. But to me it matters not what they do after she dies, as long as there is never any more abuse perpetuated in her name. I understand a need in the true believers (those that remain that have been used by her, not those who have ulterior motives to remain in order to get their hands on the money) to preserve her memory as they have passed the point of ever challenging the fantasy guru figure in their minds and to do so would destroy the very little of self that they have left. </div>
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Men in the cult were always in general much better treated than the women in her world (after all she needed them from Raynor Johnson (for the influx of his followers and friends which included the drs lawyers and other professionals that became her cult) on down to Michael Helmer-Stepehson (for his connections to a wealthy prominent political party to enact her wishes and extend her influence into the wider world)) and many fell for her seduction. It did not stop her treating them badly if they ever disagreed with her or started to resent the constant demands for money, but that is another story for largely ex cult members now..</div>
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For women -especially good looking women- she had an abiding hatred which would manifest itself in acts of jealousy and repression that were breathtakingly cruel if she felt any slight from them at all. Only those that debased themselves fully were tolerated and then she had such power that she could change the fate of their family and children even to the extent of demanding they swap them for someone she chose or deprive them of those they loved forever. For a woman to be in the Family cult contained far less pay off psychologically in terms of reward in the form of her attention, and never have I heard or seen any evidence that she had any real feelings for any of them at all. They were drones to her at the best. Their relationship with her was fraught and fragile and always involved hard work and suffering at her hands. And yet some few of them still remain loyal disciples which I find confronting but can understand as they would lose everything on which their life was predicated for so many years which on top of everything else most of them have sacrificed would be devastating. Nearly all of them are estranged from family except a couple that have satisfactory relationships left because their partners and some of their children remain loyal to the promise that Anne represented. <br />
Men represented something different and more necessary to Anne in terms of her search for idealised love as well and that can be explained a little by her childhood.<br />
Whilst her mother was a psychotic (with religious delusions and interest in the occult which obviously was her manifestation of the same type of psychosis that her daughter suffers) that ended her days in an asylum (the contrast with Anne being that unlike her mother she managed the extraordinary achievement of moulding a new world around her so successfully for so long instead of having to try to survive in the outside world where she would have been medicated and prevented from harming others), and her father - from what little we know - was a drunkard railway worker who neglected his children to the extent that she at least was sent to orphanages at times she retained a deep need for a male figure that would personify the hopes and delusions she had for and about her father. Although the stories we were told and that she began to believe over the years as her delusional universe manifested and fed of itself in the world she managed to create around her were that her mother was of royal blood and descended from the line of David (thus validating her claim to be the second female coming of the Lord), mostly it was her father that she glorified the most and her many stories of his supposed wealth manliness and exploits (he was supposed to have castles in Germany, to have ridden with Lawrence of Arabia, to be a daredevil fighter pilot amongst many other wonderful and exotic things) made him a caricature of all that some woman in the 1950s might see as the perfect masculine stereotype. And love from someone like that (or at least to have the illusion that that was attainable) was something she needed. There was not much she truly craved for that another human could provide (remember in her world people were puppets to be milked and she had as much money adoration and attention as she could get off them) but the possibility of this love becoming real was why she treated men better than women. <br />
Some would suggest that she loved Bill, and certainly her mental decline started after he died as she realised her interdependence with her delusion of what he represented to her: true romantic love (which however they both knew was largely artifice to maintain the lifestyle and her position of powerful all loving guru to which they had become accustomed). Dementia must have seemed to him (at least in some unconscious level) a way out of facing up to a rather grim reality. (It is weird but I also saw a bizarrely rapid dementia and death in an Aunty who was a true believer and sacrificed everything for Anne and finally when she realised after us kids were gone the extent of what she had colluded with in terms of the suffering to herself and others and came clean to herself and others about the tragedy in which she had participated within a matter of months she was so demented that she was of no use to anyone as a witness and died pitifully a short time later). Bill never had the guts for that and so died awfully in the manner in which he had lived for the few years after the good times disappeared thanks to Anne's paranoia. After originally making a devils pact to exchange his wealth and family for becoming her goodlooking handbag and sharing in her prestige and spoils of power as long as he played his role (as a former naval pilot and successful businessman you can see how she would have been attracted to him and also why she put her first husband on a pedestal after he died young) and ignored his masculinity, he lived as a parasitic victim. And yet there was a mutual dependence in her longing for the manifestations of his love based on again on a delusional universe that thanks to others had crumbled. She wanted the love that he represented but no matter how much he liked her looks or lifestyle he could never give her what she truly craved as he had ruled himself out by not living up to the hyper masculinity she craved as a love object by succumbing to become her puppet. He never quite lost a resentment towards her for stripping him of his balls, but in the old days his only outlet was to project that onto resentment at us children in the form of occasional psychologically violent assaults on us children as I describe in my book. That and escaping into his own interests when he could which of course became physically impossible as his impotence became obvious (he failed to be the hero that got us kids back and could be the smiling puppet beside her in glamorous fantasy land as that too largely disappeared as her capacity to flaunt the money diminished (due to pragmatic as well as delusional conclusions (she had to maintain her image of the suffering Christ attacked by evil traitors) and they became trapped in the wreckage left of the delusional paradise she had originally conjured so completely with the assistance of those around her that ascribed to its demands out of neediness. His only escape was into dementia and (before it robbed him of even this) the conversations with and company of those that shared what he was interested in such as music astronomy cars etc which some of the his male friends within the organisation provided and was also lost as they too died off or left the cult. <br />
And so for Anne here she was left until dementia robbed her of her delusions and stripped her of her money and all her power in the position of a child that never had really experienced or recognised what it was that could have saved her and so many others so much pain: the unconditional love of a good patent. And even being the One true Master and Jesus herself with the appropriate amount of believing disciples to maintain and bring into being her delusional universe in the real world didn't fill it. Nor did collecting the children to fulfill her need to be nurturing and nurtured and take revenge upon her childhood and parenting by conjuring up a collection of little dolls to show the world and become her puppets, though that paradoxically presented the opportunity for perhaps the only true unconditional love she ever experienced in her life. I will get back to this point later as it explains a little about the relationship between her and I and her attitude and demeanor once she became impotent, and it is also why I can understand her motivation and weaknesses.<br />
Once she became weaker than the weakest of her believers/victims (and believe me there were some who had sacrificed themselves to her for yrs and the toll was visible) she rapidly lost spiritual charisma and mind. Thus the last time I saw her at the nursing home I knew she was no longer a threat at any existential level to anyone but herself and that only fear was keeping her alive. Eventually I hope that her dementia will rob her of her last delusions and that she is able to die in peace, not trapped in the terrifying consequences of her own sick mind.<br />
A couple of years before I'd seen her as herself however, tho i believe that a combination of dementia and ill health had actually improved her personality in that the previous paranoia and passion seemed to have mellowed. No longer was she a powerful leader of a powerful cult but rather a sad, appallingly lonely, malnourished (both physically and psychologically as I explain with the vampire analogy) and - it seemed somewhat regretful and very very scared of dying. Because she knew that she was not what she said she was and therefore the consequences of abusing the spiritual power she had collected would be paid out further than they had been already in terms of instant karma (the almost complete loss of her prestige money (she forgot where it was in the end as the need to maintain the illusion of persecution and poverty in order to keep those last few giving her what she always craved gave her a truly miserable life and more and more slipped away or died off after the death of Bill and the defection or death of some who knew part of the web she wove made it impossible to enjoy being the vampire guru and have much personal influence in this world). What was left in her paradigm was only that longing and the fear that it would never be filled. However her thoughts and speech process were still in the same peculiar psychotic paradigm as ever thoughts m same paradigm as ever and to converse with her in that one (a dangerous one for me as it stirs up so much ptsd related symptoms) enabled a coherent conversations the meaning of which was understandable to us both. For, paradoxically, because I stood up to her despite everything and did not need or demand anything of her, I gained respect (eventually - for a long time i was in the postition of Judas as it suited her political needs within the Family but as she grew older and I got back into contact and gently challenged her from within her own paradigm, she confided to me much as she had begun to do so before we fell out. I can explain our close connection in terms of my initial spiritual commitment to her and then in terms of following integrity in my relationship with her, and taking the time to understand her world and thought universe and actually seeing her and treating her as what she was - a fellow human being who was unwell and suffering (see my previous blog on this subject). And so we talked on and off over the years and I saw how her illness had punished her as well as those around her in the last 20 years and wished for her only relief of that fear and suffering, which i think dementia has already commenced and will eventually succeed.</div>
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And it was obvious she was scared to die because of the consequences she thought would occur and that she was suffering through the lack of followers and the apathy of those that remained. As always men were treated better and it is interesting that an apparent power struggle will be between men. The women who benefited from being around Anne are almost non existent (the two i mentioned above as sociopathic the exception). She always hated other females and abused and stole more from them than the men. On thier part the shadowy husks of the remaining female cuklt members that floated around her as she rotted for years up at Crowther House trapped by her paranoia and delusions of poverty. I felt maybe they were unconsciously getting a sort of revenge by buying into her poverty fantasy and feeding her as they did us as kids ie poorly miserly and little wh i took to be a kind of instant karma brought on by the consequences of coming to believe in yr delusions and losing that capacity for ruthlessness and the discrimination between fantasy and reality wh had allowed her to build up the empire and maintain it for so long.</div>
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At that time the Sun and 60 minutes got exclusive access to interview her through me asking her to do one (yes it was as simple as that and no money was needed - she agreed when I asked) but unfortunately they missed the one chance they ever got to truly interview her and get some understanding of her world. Instead. the reporters I believe were seduced by her down an easier 'reunion' sideline leading to great pain for me as people I loved assumed I had somehow sold them out. In fact as you can see from my previous blog it was not a reunion but rather a goodbye and I thought she deserved a chance to speak her point of view rather than be spoken about. As you can see from previous blogs my reasons for seeing her over the years in the times when she had me not actively enmified are complex but one of them was because I had developed a way of talking with her in such a way that she understood that I was one of the very few that knew her and genuinely cared for her well being despite everything. That is why she used that publicity opportunity to brilliantly turn the agenda into one of reconciliation rather than answer any difficult questions. Because that was in her way the only way she could maintain her dignity publicly and yet announce that she understood there never was any fight between us. On my part it was always not personal but rather a necessity to stop the suffering I could see was the only bitter fruit her paradigm offered. The suffering for everyone and even for her, because i understood and could argue with her from within her paradigm. And also because I believe I was perhaps the only person because of my relationship with her that she respected in a way despite my convenient position as Judas when it had suited her in the past, because I had from childhood made the effort to engage her within her paradigm and challenge it and also she knew genuinely cared and did not need anything off her, not her money, not her guru-ship, not her love (as i knew now that that was something she was unable to give except in the abstract and for her own gain (that re-union explained it (she used the genuine affection to promulgate an image still but there was something there none the less).</div>
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I hope that the Family will remember its history when and if it ever survives as an entity. I ask nothing of those that remain other than not to do anything more to hurt others. thousands have suffered too much already and for too long, including in the end her and let us work together to help heal those with wounds left from poor treatment as members or children of the Family. That means that we must always acknowledge the truth about her and the Family: that it was a failed experiment and built on the delusional world of an unwell woman.That also it gained huge power and influence in the community from 1960s onward and that that power and influence allowed Anne to get away with hurting so many. That it is an indictment not only on Anne and those in the Family that carried out her evil bidding but on the state of Victoria itself that she largely got away with it and that becuase of that so many have needlessly continued suffering longer than they should.</div>
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I believe that a public enquiry into the range and extent of activities of the cult is needed, as a lesson above all that we can learn in how to prevent such a group led by a psychotic guru ever again gaining such power and extent to do what she did. Among so many other things (the connections with hospitals and other places so that the cult could steal and produce children some of whom gained multiple identiites and passports (how was that allowed to occur and why weren't the children the cult stole ever fully accounted for) the education department, her connections with with overseas money and influence eg the Rands and the people in Germany on Lake Como and with Sandoz and with powerful people here in Victoria up the the level of Governor General of this country (her nurses looked after Lord Casey to the end), we need to look into the legacy of Newhaven, the psychiatric hospital that she ran and recruited and fed people LSD etc in. Chelmsford (its counterpart in NSW) gained its own Royal commission, Newhaven was ignored. Similarly no matter how hard we pushed and despite the eventual investigation, she was never held to account for what happened and I believe that was because of who and what she knew. Her web of influence within Victorians society protected her to the end and I believe it is worth examining who and how that worked. No doubt there will be little political will for that, as has happened in the past, becuase no matter how much police dug up it all came to naught (in the end as the dpp made a 'mistake'. why should it make a mistake in that case?). Surely though so much time has gone by and it is less relevant now, maybe it could stilll embarass some still in postions of power within this state if everything came out. But how much was that embarrassment worth in terms of ignoring the extent of suffering that she created for so many. I guess that is for others to decide as it always has been. Personally the idea of punishing her always repelled me, but I wanted to see her unable to act further to hurt other children and that indeed was achieved. But also what I want to see is the suffering end for those that were her victims and that, unfortunately, continues and will as long as those people remain ignored by the community that let them down so badly.</div>
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What can never be forgotten though is that, even though she has been a toothless tiger for so long and is understandable and pitiable, is that this community of Victoria colluded with her cult in letting her get away with what she did and did so for a very long time. /Surely all of us that suffered from her actions and those that have died because of the effects of them deserve something from that community in the form of assurance that how and what that group did is publicly known and we know for sure that it could never happen again.</div>
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Best regards</div>
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Dr Sarah Moore</div>
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drsarahmoore@gmail.com or on twitter drsarahmoore-dr </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-9563589329488675392009-09-08T04:27:00.000-07:002014-04-05T22:55:20.330-07:00photo of kids at kalvarayan hills project school<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJjydSToxesRyHtckwBk7CWwpI7ikhxUeijKvZt0f8rdrQ37FDuiQRHxEJmcQr3Bc41-gM5CwJTY3H4jgXnog1v6S2UJoZ3Hr1VGcJN9gni6LUsdsD26WUTsh_GkhtKVP_fXGc7fNRtqk/s1600-h/DSC01380.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJjydSToxesRyHtckwBk7CWwpI7ikhxUeijKvZt0f8rdrQ37FDuiQRHxEJmcQr3Bc41-gM5CwJTY3H4jgXnog1v6S2UJoZ3Hr1VGcJN9gni6LUsdsD26WUTsh_GkhtKVP_fXGc7fNRtqk/s320/DSC01380.JPG" style="clear: both; float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px;" /></a><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-17136991250320909702009-09-05T00:27:00.000-07:002009-09-05T00:27:07.385-07:00Gmail - Images in "Fwd: Kalvarayan Hills Children Photos"<a href="http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=fd794a44c5&view=att&th=12388fb6dbcb5cd0&disp=imgs">Gmail - Images in "Fwd: Kalvarayan Hills Children Photos"</a>: "DSC01850.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br />DSC01850.JPG<br /><br />DSC01851.JPG<br /><br />DSC01854.JPG<br /><br />DSC01855.JPG<br /><br />DSC01858.JPG<br /><br />DSC01859.JPG<br /><br />P1130212.JPG<br /><br />P1130213.JPG<br /><br />P1130214.JPG<br /><br />P1130216.JPG<br /><br />P1130218.JPG<br /><br />P1130219.JPG<br /><br />P1130224.JPG<br /><br />P1130226.JPG<br /><br />P1130228.JPG<br /><br />P1130230.JPG<br /><br />P1130232.JPG<br /><br />P1130235.JPG<br /><br />P1130236.JPG<br /><br />P1130237.JPG<br /><br />P1130238.JPG<br /><br />P1130239.JPG<br /><br />P1130240.JPG<br /><br />P1130242.JPG<br /><br />P1130245.JPG<br /><br />P1130246.JPG<br /><br />P1130249.JPG<br /><br />P1130250.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br />DSC01851.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />DSC01854.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />DSC01855.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />DSC01858.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />DSC01859.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130212.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130213.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130214.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130216.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130218.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130219.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130224.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130226.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130228.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130230.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130232.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130235.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130236.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130237.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130238.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130239.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130240.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130242.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130245.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130246.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130249.JPG<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />P1130250.JPG"Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-5789408849199499132009-09-04T23:27:00.000-07:002009-09-04T23:27:05.787-07:00Kalvarayan Hills projectAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4763509155724917096.post-24623454643454645272009-08-15T22:30:00.000-07:002009-08-16T19:38:43.834-07:00Why i see Anne - by Dr Sarah Moore/Hamilton-Byrne<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3gMSibxgwwyl8z8_zcMYyvI3j8p1j-8uCa6ddayCfiXlPwVDq8yf6EZ5jxiDDhSxjXVq1pSqb53bPhGAzr7ENBQuUncFkMtZz3M9gGziwJ9f1KY0JFbPn0SGQrwX1_rGJ_DNsrLSAKH8/s1600-h/me+recieving+boddhisattva+july+5th+2009.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5370432277484958546" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3gMSibxgwwyl8z8_zcMYyvI3j8p1j-8uCa6ddayCfiXlPwVDq8yf6EZ5jxiDDhSxjXVq1pSqb53bPhGAzr7ENBQuUncFkMtZz3M9gGziwJ9f1KY0JFbPn0SGQrwX1_rGJ_DNsrLSAKH8/s320/me+recieving+boddhisattva+july+5th+2009.JPG" /></a><br /><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK8wRnDEMfC4bVLsvFwbVBm-oSyJ8nZ1Bqi4KSc22uIIHkISjwrB6omNS3uLtJ-CsqPk1zS3PFMY1aJJOxHkZ7lqlP6FEoIM_AFHBxWJvnjkLZy2kKELbQ0FwGxlMJhJStxBpOR4GIo6s/s1600-h/me+and+anne.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 233px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5370431413558314082" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK8wRnDEMfC4bVLsvFwbVBm-oSyJ8nZ1Bqi4KSc22uIIHkISjwrB6omNS3uLtJ-CsqPk1zS3PFMY1aJJOxHkZ7lqlP6FEoIM_AFHBxWJvnjkLZy2kKELbQ0FwGxlMJhJStxBpOR4GIo6s/s320/me+and+anne.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Why I see Anne<br /></div><div> </div><div> Hi James:</div><div> </div><div>What I wanted to explain to you was some of the reasons why I initiated contact with Anne and now see her on occasions. As most people know, for many years after the events in 1987 I was a prominent part of the public face of those that wanted to expose what happened to us children and to see justice done. It must be remembered however that - despite perhaps appearances to the contrary - at that time I felt enormous loyalty to Anne. To my mind, I had put my life on the line to oppose her, as I believed at the time that to do so, to betray her, was to die. We had been brought up to believe that she was Jesus Christ reincarnate. Therefore to do what I had done was to become Judas to her Christ, and - by logical, as well as cult doctrine, extension, amplified by her own and other members’ assignation - forever damned. On top of that she had cursed me, or so I believed at the time, to ‘go and die in the gutter’ when I refused to obey her order, and my defiance of her then resulted in her casting me out of the Family, a fate as good as and synonymous with death to my mind back then. Also, many were the stories - and my superstitious mind believed them at the time (in fact for very many years afterwards in an overt sense, and perhaps longer than that again subconsciously) - of people who had died, often after terrible suffering such as cancer or painful illness, or had been driven to take their own lives (aka Judas) after opposing her, even in such small matters as trying to leave the sect without overtly criticising her. And here was I, someone who was an initiate, perhaps the closest of all the children to her - certainly, I believe, the most simpatico with her belief system - daring not only to disagree with her, daring not only to oppose her publicly, but also betraying her to the police and later (but only as a reaction to feeling a strong need to tell our side of the story after she went public and then after that as a means of trying to obtain some sort of investigation into what had occurred to us) to the media. But the going to the police in my mind was at the cost of my life, and I only did it at the time because I strongly believed (and still do to a large extent) that without some sort of intervention, without someone telling them off and forcing some sort of change in the regime at Eildon (I could no more envisage the extent of what would happen in terms of the raid and permanent removal of the children than see myself flying to the moon) the appalling suffering that was occurring to some of my brothers and sisters up there would continue unabated to the probable extent of the cost of their lives. So for me, although it was difficult, and took some courage, and I needed the support of the people I had around me and the encouragement of two other sisters who talked to the police as well (they not sharing the extent of my dilemma or fear around this issue), there was no contest in my mind when it came to that. My life was worthless anyway in my eyes: having been cast out of the cult and damned already, it was an easy exchange for the chance of saving the lives of my sisters and brothers. I was fully accepting of the consequences of my betrayal and thought it worth it. As I describe in my book and as Dr Ed Ogden has talked about publicly, it was only by the skin of my teeth that I didn’t end up dying from self neglect at that time, as I - like the proverbial aboriginal who has had the bone pointed in their direction - believed myself to be already dead as forfeit for my action, and thus, until that belief was successfully challenged by Ed, was ‘killing myself’ so to speak by my own belief in her curse and in her power. But it was not because I disagreed with her regime, nor her belief system, nor with what we had been taught as children, nor with my vows as an initiate (other than of course breaking them by definition by betraying her). Indeed, without the neglect and abuse that occurred both wittingly and unwittingly (that is by default or forgetfulness), there would be little from my perspective even now to criticise about our upbringing (save perhaps too narrow and restricted a normal education and socialisation).</div><div> </div><div>As I explained to you I have been in and out of favour with Anne, depending on whether she feels she is being persecuted or not. For many years I went no-where near her or the cult, and in fact I was regarded by them as close to their greatest enemy (perhaps Lex or Marie might have jostled for that position but they did not bear the additional charge of being an insider turned traitor). It was not until well after all the court cases - perhaps around 2003 or thereabouts - that I sought contact. And contact has been intermittent since then. Partly because I am not capable of it at times that I do not feel strong in myself, partly of course because it is impossible when there is action against her or the sect, whether I have anything to do with that or not. It matters not to Anne and the group that I do not initiate proceedings against her - for everything I am to blame, because without my going public (albeit with others) and without the book that I wrote, they feel that her reputation would be intact. Reality does not come into it here: whilst no doubt the book did place a large further dint in her public reputation, there was nothing left to defend at that point. The fact that her and their own actions might have brought the punishment (mild as it was at least to outside eyes), censorship and opprobrium down on their own heads does never figure - she and they are always victims in this, and I am, on the majority of occasions that anything untoward happens to them, the culprit, the aggressor and the wicked and evil betrayer that – that, according to them, through lying for my own ends (some of which are for sex, for money, for fame, for revenge) - has caused all the trouble. However, when things are quiet, Anne is usually fine with me, and I can go up there for cups of tea, occasionally for a meal and so forth. And when she is fine with me the others have to go along with it, even though they distrust me and dislike me intensely for harming their master, and would happily tear me into shreds given a small amount of encouragement from her. </div><div> </div><div>For many years, I was not strong enough to talk with her frankly about what happened. I initially asked to see her because I had just completed a therapeutic course called the Hoffman process in which one 'works through' ones issues with parents, abreacts the anger involved (as it is in all people) in response to the failures that are inevitable in parenting (even with the best-intentioned parents), and then comes to a place of understanding and forgiveness: by recognising that one's parents are only human and do their best within their own limitations and so to forgive them is the only way to move forward in reconciliation and love. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting however. And understanding does not mean excusing. Part of this process involves rediscovering (or re-educating) your love for your parents and then going to them afterwards, when one is ready and reconciling if there is any difficulties and - despite their reaction and despite what might be perceived by you or others as fair or unfair right or wrong in their past or current or future actions - telling them that you love them, you forgive them and asking their forgiveness for your inadequacies as a daughter or son. And so I contacted her, about a year after I did the Process the first time: it taking that long for me to feel together enough in myself to have the courage to face her and Bill. Luckily for me the timing was right. She actually was open to me at the time, and very welcoming. Bill was very unwell and pretty much on his death bed. So I was forever glad that I had made the effort and gone up there at that time, because I got to sit with him and - despite his illness and the fact that he may not have understood anything that I said to him (given his advanced dementia and medical conditions) - I got to tell him the above and spend that small amount of time with him with love in my heart, understanding and peace between us. </div><div> </div><div>This is important to me today. I cannot stand hatred and anger and fighting for no good purpose. Why should we all be enemies from then til now til all time? Why not make some sort of peace, at least as individuals in our hearts, accepting what has happened, accepting that all parties feel wronged, that all parties feel that they have suffered in some way, but not accepting that mutual antagonism and even in some cases hatred has to remain the status quo forever? As I have told Anne and again recently, I only ever opposed her when I felt that there was no choice - which I had to do it to protect or advocate for the other children. I never oppose her for money, for my own advantage or for cheap five minutes of fame on a tv slot. Why would i do that when i know the cost to me, and how ephemeral, fickle and fleeting the outside world’s attention is, and that moreover a million dollars would not compensate for my life or my soul if i put my integrity on the line in response to a dilemma that for me is life and death, not only mine but affecting others lives as well. I did not like ‘attacking’ her and the Family at the time, and I like the fact of it less even more as we grow older, but less than I dislike the fact that these things occurred in the first place that led to such a dilemma, that led to such an upheaval in our lives, that led to rifts and consequences that in some cases will never be healed.</div><div> </div><div>So I see her because I forgive her, because also I feel some understanding and compassion for her, and also because I have a notion that it is only through rapprochement that healing can begin, in any situation. I teach that and believe in it for my patients, for example in Family Constellations (another type of psychotherapy that i have learnt, in Europe from Bert Hellinger and use in my practice and in daily life as well as a way of understanding systems of all kinds and the bonds and energies between members of those systems), that it is possible for love to be restored in a family system - no matter what has happened in that system - providing (at least) one element in it is prepared to change here and now and forgive and allow the love to flow through the family system. Teaching that, how can I hold my own system aloof from this paradigm? I figured it was worth a try – me putting myself up as a candidate to change the dynamics in the situation even a little bit. Even if it failed, it was surely worth a try. And also I felt some empathy for Anne. I know enough about her childhood, and I - having suffered it myself as well - can imagine it only too vividly: that abandonment that she suffered. I can also understand how she might have made up her mind to compensate for the atrocious reality around her as a child, to create a fantasy world. And create it she was able to do, which is also perhaps the sad thing, as in a better world she would have received help herself and instead of being allowed to run amok in this society, she might have been able to achieve a lot more without all the pain and suffering that occurred. She is a powerful and charismatic person, and I believe she initially meant well with both creating the cult and collecting us children, both of which acts were at least partly I believe in compensation and delusional repair for her own childhood and at both of which she failed ultimately to follow through because of her own pathology and inability to empathise with normal people and to love. This is a tragedy of epic proportions, to my mind at least. When I think that her collecting us was because of a reaction to wanting to save children that had been abandoned by society (as most of us were, and as she was herself to a large degree with an absent father and often mad mother), just as she collects animals in this way (but is similarly unable to look after them in the way that she dreams of and would like to I am sure, there being just too many for one thing and her ignoring the dynamics of a lot of animals of the same sex locked up together in a small space – fighting, territorial issues, obesity and other health problems etc etc), I do feel sad for her that she suffered so much that it led to that. And I feel upset and sad for our society that it let that happen, first initially to her and her siblings and then to us. And then of course our children are inevitably affected to some degree as well and so the net of suffering cast itself over many many people. </div><div> </div><div>I guess somewhere in me I just wanted it to end, and hoped me engaging with her and showing her some love and understanding might have some effect, if not on anyone else (as there are so many (it would have to be thousands) people who have been hurt through this cult and the situation around Anne, past present and future), at least on her, because I believe she has never received true (adult as distinct from our childlike) love in this lifetime, and that too is a tragedy. Adoration mixed with fear as she has in the world that she has invented and then amazingly enough managed to create around her is not true love. True love I believe is given and received despite the wounds of both parties, it is given in knowledge that nothing is ever perfect and that it may not be returned. And lest I start to sound like a hallmark card, I believe also that giving and receiving true love is one of the hardest and ongoing battles of our existence.</div><div> </div><div>There are other reasons I see her. Initially I had some spiritual ego around it. I thought that, because I had some understanding of her and the world in which she exists, both from a psychological and psychoanalytic perspective and from a spiritual perspective, I was maybe the only person that would be able to heal some of the suffering that came from the actions of the sect and the reactions of us and the rest of the society afterwards to them. 22 years have gone by since the raid, it was 15 or so, when I first began this process with Anne, I believe at first very ineptly. Because I wasn’t strong enough psychologically, mentally or spiritually to deal with her. And I was arrogant to think that I could, by myself, make some impact on her the consequences of her actions on a spiritual or psychic or even psychological plane. She is a much stronger practitioner than me. She has powers – minor siddhis – which she has demonstrated many times to me. I spend time in the meditational planes feeling her energy and her power, and although it has vastly diminished in recent years, it still exists. And to think that I could deal with the misery in this world or the next that has ensued from this, to think I could heal some of the suffering by myself, by my own minor spiritual power or meditational endeavour, by my own love or understanding alone, or even by me speaking to all the alive people involved and counselling them or praying for them or whatever, was a stupid thought in retrospect. It led to a psychological burden I was at many times unable to bear. I would get overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task, and feel defeated, powerless and then like giving up, to the point of suicide. </div><div> </div><div>Meanwhile my own life was hardly looking particularly wonderful, at least from the outside. I developed bipolar disorder (a genetic predisposition) and then a few years after that, post traumatic stress disorder, which tends to compound the psychological situation when I get depressed. I believe however that a lot of my mental illness so called is not so easily able to be labelled because those that do so tend to try to put me in a box which assumes a normal socialisation, and thus they get it wrong or at least make an inadequate diagnosis, and therefore an inadequate treatment. I might as well come from a tribal jungle society or an alien planet in terms of how my thinking and cultural assumptions and thus my reactions to stress and symptoms when suffering from depression are manifested. So what might look like psychotic depression to an outsider (and indeed at one time I received multiple ects for catatonic depression, leading to quite profound memory loss and I believe some degree of cognitive impairment compared to how mentally sharp I was before) who asks nothing of or about me and is not interested in how I perceive the universe but just assumes and applies their prejudice as well (sadly that would describe most psychiatric clinicians nowadays in their attitude towards most patients - they are simply not interested in any sort of cultural understanding of the person, they want to label and treat with the latest and greatest drugs and then send that person out of the wards as quickly as possible. This is a way of treating patients that I always have reacted strongly against, well before I myself came to know both sides of the fence and got unwell, and in my own medical and psychiatric practice I make a huge point of taking the time and energy to at least make the effort to try to understand a bit of the patient's past and current world). Anyway, when I am unwell the Medical Board does not let me work here in Australia so unless I go over to places like India for my voluntary medical work (which I do as often as I can afford to do so, saving up for a ticket being the main impediment as of course my income is very low nowadays and I rely on centrelink's grudging largesse), I have large periods of down time, which unless I can do some voluntary work and keep myself engaged with society through this, leads to a spiralling down of depression and hopelessness because I feel I no longer have a role or a purpose or something to do when I am unable to help other people.</div><div> </div><div>But that has changed now. I am much more comfortable with myself and what gifts I can give to the world, whether or not I ever work again as a doctor here in Victoria again. I am currently suspended for self prescribing and the mental illness, but that is not deregistered. So theoretically, if I could trust the Medical Board which I don’t fully, as I believe it has ties to the Family, I could work here in the sort of things I have done on and off the past few years: in psychiatry and in general practice, or in a related field such as public health, or even a bit of emergency medicine like i used to do when younger. I spend a lot of my time helping others irregardless of my current condition, offering my energy, my income such as it is, my possessions and my house to those that need it at the time. I have sheltered refugees, taught Afghani doctors medicine for their Australian exams, helped out people with drug and alcohol problems and mental illness, both materially and with counselling and so forth and so on. </div><div> </div><div>But just because I have compassion and understanding for Anne, and I spend my life serving others, it does not mean that I am a wonderful person. I am very very far from a saint, and at no stage in my life do I ever want to be saddled with such a mantle or image to live up to. I have done wrong things, including writing myself scripts for pethidine on several occasions. Although it was in response to severe untreated pain and in the context of manifest psychiatric illness and difficult social and emotional circumstances, I still bear the responsibility and have readily accepted the punishment for lying and cheating the system to obtain what I wanted by deception. Aside from that though, I have tried and lived my life in such a way under the mandate of saving the world. That does not make me a good person either, of course. After all it is merely doing what I was brought up to do, and using the skills I have learnt through all my education, degrees and experiences. Everything I have done, and I have spent my life since leaving the cult in learning about humanity – how they tick – and endeavouring to do what I can to help others, I have done in the way that we were programmed to do. I do endless volunteer work, here and overseas, and even when I cannot or am not allowed to work in my job as a doctor I spend most of my time engaged in helping others. If I am not doing that, I feel empty and dead inside, and incredibly useless and bored. It has been in fact - although mostly a great joy - somewhat of a burden to live up to at times, especially when I felt cast out and cast off by the society that I spend all my time serving, especially when I feel that I have failed and been failed in my mission of ‘service to god through service to man’. It has led to almost intolerable depression and worsening of depressive states in the past when I have been unable, due to my illnesses, to participate and contribute. It is quite a psychological burden to be brought up a child of a guru, trained to spend every waking moment serving others ‘unseen, unheard and unknown’. That is partly why I quite enjoyed the media around my disgraceful behaviour in writing myself scripts: now labelled officially as a ‘bad’ as well as a ‘mad’ person, I could with some relief drop the burden of appearing always as a success or as a heroic type. However, gaining these labels in such a public way has led to some dreadful and unforeseen consequences in my life, including the loss of my leg and disgraceful treatment (or lack of it) from the health care system and some of the medical and nursing staff within it. But that is another story, and I won’t tell it now.</div><div> </div><div>Suffice to say that finally I am rid of my burden. I recently met a great Buddhist lama who inducted me into the Buddhist philosophy and practice. This brought me enormous relief as well as joy, as now I could feel the support of a teacher/guru – the Buddha, a teaching – the dharma, and a community – the sangha of previously enlightened and compassionate beings. It made sense of my life and provided me with some perspective on what I had been doing, and where I had gone wrong, and had taken on too much spiritually and emotionally out of misguided arrogance or ignorance. And having found a guru – one hardly anyone not even me can find fault with (and believe me i probably have one of the worlds best bullshitometers around gurus and religious scenes having spent a large portion of my time checking out and confronting all sort of groups and leaders as part of my research into the human condition (I reckon I’ve met more ‘enlightened’ masters than most people have had hot morning teas and have been cursed and bullied by more so-called ‘avatars of compassion’ and their disciples than is strictly healthy!) - I have that background of psychological and spiritual support that has been missing for so long, since being cast out of the Family. </div><div> </div><div>Anne told me recently that I was always an initiate and not to forget that. I responded that I could hardly forget that. But now I can say and I say it publicly and without fear, to myself to the world and to her: I am no longer part of her group. I renounce my initiation and I renounce my responsibility as a part of her group, even a failed part, as I have now a different identification and a different and stronger support behind me, one that is much more powerful and much more wonderful than she could ever be. Even were I to have been wrong and opposed someone who was right all along, even if it turns out to be true that I was a judas to her christ – I did it for love and in compassion and that, or so my new philosophy tells me – is the correct motivation and negates any consequence or karma that might have gathered through ignorance or misunderstanding. </div><div> </div><div>And yes, I do love Anne. And my feelings are still mixed about her. She was and still is important to me as the mother I never had, as a first teacher, as a guru figure – although now I renounce that relationship it still has been important in my life, despite everything. It is only in recent times that I have been able to speak my truth around her and not be afraid of her, in fact only really since this episode with losing my leg and nearly losing my life. I guess that experience led me not to be afraid of anything. I was not afraid of death beforehand and even less afraid when it came so close at the hospital recently, in fact was more upset than anything else that I lived especially in view of the fact that I now have no leg, and ostensibly my social circumstances and life prospects look a bit grim. But my purpose in life and mission has been restored, my engagement with the world and my ability to love and enjoy life has returned. I want to get back to India as soon as possible and also to restart my medical career here in Australia as soon as possible. I always got rave reviews from my colleagues and patients as a doctor, as well as from any of the small NGOs I have worked for overseas. So I feel I still have a lot to offer as a doctor, but if I can’t do that in Australia any more I still can contribute to our society as a human being, by volunteer work, by using my psychotherapy and counselling skills and my medical knowledge of course as well, even if I am unable to earn a living from it here. </div><div> </div><div>Anne and I will continue to be in relationship, in this world and the next whatever it looks like from the outside, whether we see each other or not. She is a huge part of me and what I have become, and I believe that on some level I am important to her as well. Even after her death, which must of course come soon, we will continue to communicate, and I will refer to her and what the experience of growing up with her as a mother, and in her Family, has taught me and how it has moulded me in who and what I am today. </div><div> </div><div>Yours sincerely </div><div> </div><div>Dr Sarah Moore PhD (Rel studies), MBBS, MA (Psych studies), Dip clin hyp, Dip Fam Th. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01314271786224386644noreply@blogger.com18